6/12 Mila's Memorial Service

June 12, 2018 | Day 12

So many thoughts and emotions on this day, the day we buried our daughter. I will update later, but for now, I wanted to share the slideshow video that we had made for Mila.

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5/31 Baby Mila is Born

. May 31, 2018 | 31 weeks Our baby Mila was born today. 3 lb 1 oz and 14 3/4 inches of pure bliss. She stayed with us just long enough to meet her brothers and sisters, and then she breathed her last and went home to our Lord. We had been looking forward to May 31 for weeks. I was impatient about it, even. It was the day that our second opinion was scheduled. I was eager to find out more information about our baby. Instead, I got to meet her face to face. The Day Before Wednesday afternoon, just after 3 pm, I noticed that I had some sort of a discharge come out of me, out of the birth canal side. It was only a little bit. When I wiped, it kind of looked like diarrhea (an olive brown color), and I thought I must have leaked something when I passed gas. Super embarrassing. But anyway, when I wiped my other end, there was no sign of diarrhea whatsoever. So I googled it and concluded that it must be the beginning of some sort of infection, and I resolved not to eat any more chocol

3/19 Coping With the News

March 19, 2018 | 20 1/2 weeks I woke up the morning after that ultrasound , and didn't even feel pregnant anymore. I didn't bother to take my prenatal vitamins. I barely drank any water. What was the point anymore, I thought? The grieving process had begun, and I just wanted to get this all over with and be on the other side. On the healing & moving-on-with-life side. From the way the doctor had talked about baby's condition and from the few case studies I had found, I thought it would be a matter of days, maybe a few weeks at most, before the full sting of death would hit, and in my heart and mind, I was living as if the baby was already dead. But it all felt so wrong. My baby is not dead, and maybe my baby won't die after all. Maybe the doctors are mistaken. Maybe God will choose to heal the baby. As long as there is a heartbeat, there is life, and there is hope. King David was told that his baby would surely die. But his baby was born and even l

5/6 Difficult Decisions

May 6, 2018 | 27 1/2 weeks Since I'm now coming up into my 3rd trimester, I need to start realistically thinking about the birth, but that involves making some difficult decisions. Do we induce birth and have a chance to see baby alive or do we wait it out and allow the baby to die in the womb? It's a battle between what I selfishly want and what I selflessly know would be best for baby. I want to hold a warm baby, alive and breathing. I want to smell the baby. I want to kiss baby's soft cheeks and wrap baby's tiny fingers around my own. I want to see baby's eyes open and close. I want to whisper into baby's ears just how much Mommy loves him/her. I want to hear baby breathing and feel baby wriggling. But all of this means that I am asking to have a baby slowly die in my arms second by second. What would be best for baby? Wouldn't it be better if baby never knew the harshness of sin in this world and was able to go from womb to glory? From the ultimate e

A Little Life Inside

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