A Little Life Inside

July 26, 2018 | Week 8 It's funny how feelings can change in just a few days. Today, I'm feeling like I took a step backwards in the grieving process. As my final days of pumping approach, I find myself holding on and afraid of letting go. Seeing Mila's milk every day, writing her name on each bag every single day throughout the day has been so sweet & so special. I'll never get to fill out a form for Mila & write her name down on it. This is it. This is all I've had. These milk bags have been my only opportunity. I love writing her name down. I love that I think about her multiple times throughout the day. I don't want to stop thinking about her. I don't want "out of sight, out of mind", but I know that's how it's going to be. And I know that that's ok & probably even necessary. I'm feeling that all-too-familiar tension between life & death all over again. I want to choose joy and rejoice in life, but when I place...

July 29, 2018 | Week 8 Today I wore my Mila dress. I bought this dress to wear at her funeral, but I wanted to have something pretty to wear so that every time I put it on afterwards, I would have a sweet reminder of my little girl. Today was my first time wearing it since that initial time on her burial day. At one point today, I wanted to go have a cry session, and throughout the day I would glance down at my dress and have flashbacks to shoveling dirt over her casket. We actually had quite the beautiful day today, spent at church & with family, but death has a way of casting shadows on things. It’s kind of like when you’re outside in bright daylight & then you enter the house and everything looks so dark until your eyes adjust. Death just darkens everything, but when my perspective adjusts, I can see all the beautiful things God continues to grace me with in life.

As a husband I can’t directly relate to my wife through pregnancy and motherhood. Those things are uniquely feminine, and I am of no help to guess what Delia is feeling. I can learn from what she expresses, and I am really glad that she has been open to me and that she has now written these posts. It gives me a glimpse into the mind of the strong, Christian woman that I married going through the trial of her life. I always need to be the leader in our marriage, but I’ve had to walk that delicate balance between being a dictator and being aimless. The decision to choose hospice after birth was the direction I saw Mila’s health going, but I let Delia get as many opinions and counsel as she desired. I would have supported intervention if she insisted, because I love her and she is the mommy. Whatever she wanted for that day she would get, such as how she wanted to capture the day on video, or what personal items she wanted to have nearby. I trust her judgment, and so I trust being patie...