A Little Life Inside

May 13, 2018 | 28 1/2 weeks This Mother's Day was a hard one. But I wasn't expecting it to be so tough. We had a great ultrasound and appointment on Tuesday, so I was looking forward to a pleasant week and a celebratory Mother's Day. However, we were hit with the stomach flu the day of my appointment, so I was on hyper alert all week. I also ended up having a lot of down time, because we canceled all of our plans for the week & quarantined ourselves at home. In my down time, I finished reading I Will Carry You  (a book in which a Christian woman shares her story of carrying a baby "incompatible with life"...and I think their diagnosis was even the same as ours: ARPKD ). Reading about the delivery, the death, the funeral, and the subsequent grief, made me imagine again the hard road ahead for us, and that, coupled with the disappointment of the stomach flu, just put me in a somber mood. And I also suddenly felt an urgency to make sure we were prepared fo...

May 8, 2018 | 28 weeks I had a great ultrasound and appointment this morning. This is now my 4th ultrasound with this pregnancy. The first ultrasound was disappointing, because we were not expecting that bad news. The second ultrasound was just sad, because the bad news was confirmed. The third ultrasound was hard, because I was hoping for some good news but instead received the same hard news. With each of these previous ultrasounds, I went in very "hopeful" & then experienced the disappointment of the painful reality we're facing, which threw us in a funk for the first few days afterwards. This ultrasound was not great because of the news we received, but simply because of the way it went. I went in hoping to just bond with baby. I realize these ultrasounds may be our only chance to see baby alive, and I want to cherish them. So with that in mind, it was a great ultrasound. Everything I hoped and prayed it would be. Aaron came with me, and I explained to the...

May 6, 2018 | 27 1/2 weeks Since I'm now coming up into my 3rd trimester, I need to start realistically thinking about the birth, but that involves making some difficult decisions. Do we induce birth and have a chance to see baby alive or do we wait it out and allow the baby to die in the womb? It's a battle between what I selfishly want and what I selflessly know would be best for baby. I want to hold a warm baby, alive and breathing. I want to smell the baby. I want to kiss baby's soft cheeks and wrap baby's tiny fingers around my own. I want to see baby's eyes open and close. I want to whisper into baby's ears just how much Mommy loves him/her. I want to hear baby breathing and feel baby wriggling. But all of this means that I am asking to have a baby slowly die in my arms second by second. What would be best for baby? Wouldn't it be better if baby never knew the harshness of sin in this world and was able to go from womb to glory? From the ultimate e...

May 2, 2018 | 27 weeks From the way that perinatologist talked about my baby's kidney disease , I honestly did not think I would make it through the month of March, let alone April, and still be pregnant. But here we are in May, and I'm still pregnant. I'm 27 weeks along, entering into my 3rd trimester. I remember, with every other baby of mine, what a milestone this was. The 3rd Trimester. The Home Stretch. Almost there! What feelings of joy & relief would normally accompany this news. But this pregnancy is not normal, and instead of feeling that hopeful expectation, I just feel a little stunned right now. We're far enough away from that initial diagnosis, and still far enough away from my due date (Aug 2), that this all kind of feels surreal right now. Is this really going to happen? Is this baby really going to die? We've been so filled with joy these last few days, and everything has been so peaceful. Calm before the storm, maybe, but we have been enjo...

April 28, 2018 | 26 weeks We had a genuinely joy-filled week this week, and I am thankful for that. At first, though, feelings of guilt tried to creep in. Thoughts of  "Why am I happy right now? My baby is still sick. I should be sad." I'm learning that in this torturous tension between life and death, that there is also a delicate balance between joy & sorrow. 2 Corinthians 6:10 speaks of being "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing", and that is precisely the feeling right now. This is, by far, the saddest season the Lord has ever brought me into in life. Being told that my unborn baby will most certainly die is the heaviest news I have ever received. Sometimes I feel like I should be perpetually sad until this is all over. But then when will it ever truly be over? The grieving will come full-force if/once baby actually dies, and then I know that pain will remain with me for the rest of my life. Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morn...

April 26, 2018 | 26 weeks After this week's scare , I started thinking (worrying) some more about my pregnancy, delivery and the possible complications. I had my second appointment with my new OB today and went over some of these medical fears with her.  The Delivery I'm very afraid of the delivery, especially if I make it full-term. I have only ever had normal deliveries, and there is nothing normal about this one. Baby is in breech position, so I'm already afraid of baby getting stuck. Because of the enlarged kidneys, baby's abdomen is disproportionately large, which makes me even more afraid of baby getting stuck in the birth canal and me needing an emergency c-section or something. I even read one mom express fears of baby getting stuck and not coming out in one piece, so now I'm horrified at that possibility, too. The doctor, first of all, assured me that the possibility of baby not coming out in one piece is extremely low. And then she basically reminded ...

April 25, 2018 | 26 weeks I began documenting our story in this blog, and today I shared it online with friends and family. I share in hopes of supporting others going through the same thing. This is the kind of information I was hoping to find online & it's not really out there. I found bits & pieces in various forums, but I had such a hard time finding complete stories online, especially since so many women are pressured to terminate, that I wanted to share my story here, to give other infantile polycystic kidney disease moms an idea of what lies ahead. I share because I have felt so comforted when others shared with me. I just had another mom from church over. She had 2 babies in a row (her first 2 pregnancies, actually) with another genetic disease & each died at around 22-24 weeks along. She shared her story with me and then also invited me to read her online journal which chronicled everything from start to finish. It was really comforting to hear her talk a...