Skip to main content

5/2 Third Trimester

May 2, 2018 | 27 weeks

From the way that perinatologist talked about my baby's kidney disease, I honestly did not think I would make it through the month of March, let alone April, and still be pregnant. But here we are in May, and I'm still pregnant. I'm 27 weeks along, entering into my 3rd trimester. I remember, with every other baby of mine, what a milestone this was. The 3rd Trimester. The Home Stretch. Almost there! What feelings of joy & relief would normally accompany this news. But this pregnancy is not normal, and instead of feeling that hopeful expectation, I just feel a little stunned right now.

We're far enough away from that initial diagnosis, and still far enough away from my due date (Aug 2), that this all kind of feels surreal right now. Is this really going to happen? Is this baby really going to die? We've been so filled with joy these last few days, and everything has been so peaceful. Calm before the storm, maybe, but we have been enjoying it all. We have been experiencing a bit of normalcy, and it has been really nice.

At my last appointment with the OB, I shared a lot of my fears with her but, after talking through it all, came home with such a sense of peace. I don't need to worry about what will happen if I make it to 38 weeks with a breech baby who has a swollen abdomen and zero amniotic fluid and all the other possible complications I can imagine. I am taking it one step at a time, one day at a time, one appointment at a time. It's as much as I can manage.

What a miracle that baby is still alive inside of me after all this time, despite the deadly prognosis, and despite the harsh conditions inside the womb. I marvel.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5/31 Baby Mila is Born

. May 31, 2018 | 31 weeks Our baby Mila was born today. 3 lb 1 oz and 14 3/4 inches of pure bliss. She stayed with us just long enough to meet her brothers and sisters, and then she breathed her last and went home to our Lord. We had been looking forward to May 31 for weeks. I was impatient about it, even. It was the day that our second opinion was scheduled. I was eager to find out more information about our baby. Instead, I got to meet her face to face. The Day Before Wednesday afternoon, just after 3 pm, I noticed that I had some sort of a discharge come out of me, out of the birth canal side. It was only a little bit. When I wiped, it kind of looked like diarrhea (an olive brown color), and I thought I must have leaked something when I passed gas. Super embarrassing. But anyway, when I wiped my other end, there was no sign of diarrhea whatsoever. So I googled it and concluded that it must be the beginning of some sort of infection, and I resolved not to eat any more chocol...
1 comment
Read more

6/22 I Choose Joy

June 22, 2018 | Week 3 Ever since Mila’s funeral, it has been very difficult for me to experience pleasure. It’s hard to smile and enjoy things while my heart is still in such immense pain. Everything in me wants to shut out the happy and wallow in the despair. I remember one day, soon after Mila was born, I made a funny and made Aaron laugh. I let out a chuckle, too, and it literally made me feel sick inside. How can I be laughing at such a time as this? There's nothing funny about anything that's going on right now. Yet over and over I’ve seen the joy of the Lord seeking us out in the midst of the pain, just like the song we sang at Mila's funeral: 🎶 O, Joy that seekest me through pain,       I cannot close my heart to Thee...    🎶 Our 3 older kids went to family camp for the week. I knew they would genuinely enjoy themselves there. While they were gone, Aaron and I had to choose (force ourselves) daily to open our hearts up to this joy that seeks us....
Post a Comment
Read more

5/6 Difficult Decisions

May 6, 2018 | 27 1/2 weeks Since I'm now coming up into my 3rd trimester, I need to start realistically thinking about the birth, but that involves making some difficult decisions. Do we induce birth and have a chance to see baby alive or do we wait it out and allow the baby to die in the womb? It's a battle between what I selfishly want and what I selflessly know would be best for baby. I want to hold a warm baby, alive and breathing. I want to smell the baby. I want to kiss baby's soft cheeks and wrap baby's tiny fingers around my own. I want to see baby's eyes open and close. I want to whisper into baby's ears just how much Mommy loves him/her. I want to hear baby breathing and feel baby wriggling. But all of this means that I am asking to have a baby slowly die in my arms second by second. What would be best for baby? Wouldn't it be better if baby never knew the harshness of sin in this world and was able to go from womb to glory? From the ultimate e...
1 comment
Read more