Ever since receiving the diagnosis, I had death on the forefront of my mind. I made multiple phone calls to multiple places talking about and making preparations for death. Most of my texts and emails were centered around the fatal diagnosis and the imminent death. There were good and bad things about this. I was so focused on the impending death, that I often failed to celebrate the little life inside of me. I had to be very intentional about making sure I was bonding with baby and not feeling like I was merely carrying a burden.
Having death on my mind that week leading up to Good Friday gave me just a glimpse of what our Savior endured for us when He willingly laid down His life for our sins on the cross. He asked, like I've asked so many times, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done.” Jesus knew He would be dealing with death soon. He was faced with death as I am faced with death. His body was beaten. He went through pain. I will have to endure a lot of physical pain for this one, because of the low amniotic fluid. He experienced the agony of death, the emotional pain associated with it. He underwent the suffering that is a reminder that things are not as they should be in this world because of sin. Death is an enemy. Death hurts. No matter how young or old the person is, unborn, stillborn, death is death.
How much more we were able to identify with Christ in His sufferings by getting a taste of that feeling of the impending doom and weight of death.
Lord, if You are willing, remove this cup from me...I would never choose to walk this road.
Not my will, but Yours be done...Ultimate submission to the will of God. That is my prayer in this.
And I take the greatest comfort in knowing that my Savior has already walked this road before and that He is fully acquainted with all my grief.