Skip to main content

5/27 Honest Feelings

May 27, 2018 | 30 1/2 weeks

Some raw honesty, here:
I can't wait for this to be over, but I realize that means possibly ushering in baby's death, which I don't want at all. I've never been one to enjoy pregnancy. I love all the cute kids that have come as a result of my pregnancies, but the growing belly, the not fitting in clothes anymore, the aches and pains, the not being able to bend over, not being able to get down on the floor and play with the kids...it's all part of pregnancy, but it's something I've always endured and not necessarily enjoyed. This pregnancy is even harder because I'm told not to expect the joy of having a baby at the end of it. So I make it a point to intentionally enjoy every precious day we have with baby in the womb.

I'm full of conflicting emotions, though.

This whole thing is hard. It wears me out, this suspension between life and death, between joy and sorrow. I rejoice in the baby's life, but I find myself expecting death and waiting for baby to die, but I don't want baby to die, but if baby has to die, then why avoid the inevitable? Let's just get it over with. But I don't want to get it over with. Yes, I do look forward to being on the other side of this, the healing side of it, but I don't want to walk the road that takes me there.

I also notice I have developed a tendency to become quite self-centered in all this. Every person I meet, I wonder: do they know what I am going through? I miss opportunities to love on others and minister to them, because I am so caught up in thinking about my own needs. I want instead to wonder: What is this person going through right now? Yes, this is incredibly hard, but I'm not the only one with hard things in life.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5/31 Baby Mila is Born

. May 31, 2018 | 31 weeks Our baby Mila was born today. 3 lb 1 oz and 14 3/4 inches of pure bliss. She stayed with us just long enough to meet her brothers and sisters, and then she breathed her last and went home to our Lord. We had been looking forward to May 31 for weeks. I was impatient about it, even. It was the day that our second opinion was scheduled. I was eager to find out more information about our baby. Instead, I got to meet her face to face. The Day Before Wednesday afternoon, just after 3 pm, I noticed that I had some sort of a discharge come out of me, out of the birth canal side. It was only a little bit. When I wiped, it kind of looked like diarrhea (an olive brown color), and I thought I must have leaked something when I passed gas. Super embarrassing. But anyway, when I wiped my other end, there was no sign of diarrhea whatsoever. So I googled it and concluded that it must be the beginning of some sort of infection, and I resolved not to eat any more chocol...
1 comment
Read more

5/6 Difficult Decisions

May 6, 2018 | 27 1/2 weeks Since I'm now coming up into my 3rd trimester, I need to start realistically thinking about the birth, but that involves making some difficult decisions. Do we induce birth and have a chance to see baby alive or do we wait it out and allow the baby to die in the womb? It's a battle between what I selfishly want and what I selflessly know would be best for baby. I want to hold a warm baby, alive and breathing. I want to smell the baby. I want to kiss baby's soft cheeks and wrap baby's tiny fingers around my own. I want to see baby's eyes open and close. I want to whisper into baby's ears just how much Mommy loves him/her. I want to hear baby breathing and feel baby wriggling. But all of this means that I am asking to have a baby slowly die in my arms second by second. What would be best for baby? Wouldn't it be better if baby never knew the harshness of sin in this world and was able to go from womb to glory? From the ultimate e...
1 comment
Read more

6/4 Mila's Milk

June 4, 2018 | Day 4 I've been pumping for a few days now, and it has its ups and downs. It's comforting to see life-giving milk come out of me. It's comforting to see my body go through the full cycle from pregnancy through delivery to breastfeeding. I've nursed six kids already, so my body knows that this is how things are supposed to happen. Breastfeeding/pumping helps the uterus to contract after giving birth. That's healing. For me, this is something that feels right amidst everything else that feels so wrong right now. Hopefully Mila's milk can be donated somewhere and give life to a baby in need. Pumping gives me phantom baby feelings, in a good way. I like imagining what Mila would be drinking. It makes me feel more like her mommy. It's Mila's milk, I tell the kids. When it's almost time to pump again, I feel like "the baby is about to wake up." In between pumping, I feel like "the baby is sleeping" & I can relax...
Post a Comment
Read more