6/12 Mila's Memorial Service

5/31 Baby Mila is Born

. May 31, 2018 | 31 weeks Our baby Mila was born today. 3 lb 1 oz and 14 3/4 inches of pure bliss. She stayed with us just long enough to meet her brothers and sisters, and then she breathed her last and went home to our Lord. We had been looking forward to May 31 for weeks. I was impatient about it, even. It was the day that our second opinion was scheduled. I was eager to find out more information about our baby. Instead, I got to meet her face to face. The Day Before Wednesday afternoon, just after 3 pm, I noticed that I had some sort of a discharge come out of me, out of the birth canal side. It was only a little bit. When I wiped, it kind of looked like diarrhea (an olive brown color), and I thought I must have leaked something when I passed gas. Super embarrassing. But anyway, when I wiped my other end, there was no sign of diarrhea whatsoever. So I googled it and concluded that it must be the beginning of some sort of infection, and I resolved not to eat any more chocol...

5/6 Difficult Decisions

May 6, 2018 | 27 1/2 weeks Since I'm now coming up into my 3rd trimester, I need to start realistically thinking about the birth, but that involves making some difficult decisions. Do we induce birth and have a chance to see baby alive or do we wait it out and allow the baby to die in the womb? It's a battle between what I selfishly want and what I selflessly know would be best for baby. I want to hold a warm baby, alive and breathing. I want to smell the baby. I want to kiss baby's soft cheeks and wrap baby's tiny fingers around my own. I want to see baby's eyes open and close. I want to whisper into baby's ears just how much Mommy loves him/her. I want to hear baby breathing and feel baby wriggling. But all of this means that I am asking to have a baby slowly die in my arms second by second. What would be best for baby? Wouldn't it be better if baby never knew the harshness of sin in this world and was able to go from womb to glory? From the ultimate e...

6/11 What Nobody Told Me About Death

June 11, 2018 | Week 2 Death is ugly. It took my sweet baby girl's face and shriveled it. It took her delicate fingers and stiffened them. It was hard to see her "embalmed", but I felt the need to take care of her, whether in life or in death, whether in the womb or out. And even though she is no longer with us, I still feel this maternal desire to nurture her and care for her. I guess this will play out by putting flowers at her grave and having remembrances of her throughout our home. Her shadow box, her pictures. Her videos. Talking about her with the other kids to keep her memory alive inside of our hearts and minds. Even in death, I felt like I needed to take care of her body. I wanted to be the one to do it. I'm Mila's mom, and I will be the one who takes care of her. So I went to the dressing yesterday. I'm glad Aaron came with me. I didn't think I would ever see her face again, this side of eternity, after handing her lifeless body over to the ...

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