I went to church this morning feeling pretty strong. It was forecasted to be a beautiful sunny day, and we made plans to go to the beach afterwards. Enough time had passed since the most recent ultrasound, that life was back to feeling normal again.
Overall, I feel like I'm doing great, given the circumstances. The Lord has brought me to a place of acceptance with all that is going on with baby. But there are still moments when the pain & sorrow strike suddenly without notice. And it surprises me, because I generally feel pretty strong, but the Lord shows me my weakness in those times to remind me to trust in Him and not in my own strength.
In church today I saw another mom, a dear friend, with her newborn baby in a baby wrap. I had a quick flashback to all the times where I was the one walking in with my adorable baby in a baby wrap. Then I thought of how, this time, my arms will be empty, my stroller will be empty, my baby wraps and carriers will not be used. And a momentary sadness just completely set in. I never thought I would have issues seeing pregnant moms or newborn babies, but here I am struggling. How am I going to walk down those halls in the maternity ward, listen to all those beautiful babies cry, and leave empty-handed?
I shared my struggle with a couple of women after service, and it was so good to be open and honest about how hard this is. I don't want to be stoic and pretend that this is easy. I want to feel the pain and allow it to work its way through me and allow God to work His grace through me.
We made it to the beach, and enjoyed the sand, the waves, the seashells, and our family. I'm so incredibly happy and blessed and content with my husband and six beautiful kids, so that's why I say I'm surprised by the sorrow. I generally feel pretty upbeat and positive. I am enjoying life, yet also still fully aware of my situation.
I am afflicted, but not crushed. Perplexed, but not driven to despair. Struck down, but not destroyed. For this light momentary affliction is preparing me for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. God's grace is sufficient for me.
-2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 4:17, 12:9