The first few days after an ultrasound are always hard. It's hard to look at enlarged kidneys, fluid around the heart. and no amniotic fluid. It's hard to accept that that's my baby up there on the screen. It's hard not to imagine that my baby might be suffering inside of me. It's hard not to wonder why.
And then all sorts of other thoughts creep in.
Should I have stuck to my original resolution & quit trying to have kids after those 2 miscarriages? Did I bring this upon myself because I was being stubborn? Aaron was ready to be done at 6 kids.
Was it the sandwich meat I ate during early pregnancy?
Was it the Wi-Fi radiating in our home 24/7?
I know it wasn't alcohol & it wasn't a lack of rest. I essentially bed rested myself those first few weeks.
Does God not like me anymore? Am I out of His favor? Is there sin in my life I'm not addressing?
I read these things that I've just written & they look like silly thoughts, but these are the feelings of shame & guilt that plagued me. And I felt like my growing belly was a scarlet letter of shame. I could think of plenty of reasons why I would deserve judgment instead of blessing from the Lord.
I'm not a good mom & shouldn't have any more kids. I'm not patient enough, not kind enough, not loving enough, not humble enough.
But then I thought of Job.
But I do look forward to the character God is building in me through this experience. Our sufferings produce endurance, which produces character, which produces hope - Romans 5:3-5.
When my mind is bombarded with doubts and my heart is burdened with these feelings of shame and guilt, I have to make a conscious effort to choose to believe the truth of God's Word vs the lies of the enemy. Romans 8:28 tells me that God is working all things together for good, even this, even though it doesn't feel very good right now.