We had a genuinely joy-filled week this week, and I am thankful for that.
At first, though, feelings of guilt tried to creep in. Thoughts of "Why am I happy right now? My baby is still sick. I should be sad."
I'm learning that in this torturous tension between life and death, that there is also a delicate balance between joy & sorrow. 2 Corinthians 6:10 speaks of being "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing", and that is precisely the feeling right now.
This is, by far, the saddest season the Lord has ever brought me into in life. Being told that my unborn baby will most certainly die is the heaviest news I have ever received. Sometimes I feel like I should be perpetually sad until this is all over. But then when will it ever truly be over? The grieving will come full-force if/once baby actually dies, and then I know that pain will remain with me for the rest of my life.
Weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5
The Lord promises us days of gladness amidst the sorrow. And he has opened up my eyes to see the rainbows through the rain. I spent Friday on a beautiful nature walk with my kids. We enjoyed the birds, the fish, the flowers, and the clay they found. Best of all, we genuinely enjoyed each other's company. We're friends, and we like hanging out together. Today, we had a lovely and productive Saturday together as a family. I smiled a lot today as I watched the kids work together and play together, as I saw Aaron being a wonderful husband and Daddy.
This is not an ecstatic joy that I am feeling, but a quiet, deep joy that flows from a place of peace and contentment with what the Lord has ordained for us.
Yes, my poor little baby is not getting any better, but that same sweet little baby is still here with us in my womb, and that is something to celebrate and enjoy. I have a wonderful husband, six precious children, a great family, and amazing friends. That is something to celebrate, too.