Since I'm now coming up into my 3rd trimester, I need to start realistically thinking about the birth, but that involves making some difficult decisions.
Do we induce birth and have a chance to see baby alive or do we wait it out and allow the baby to die in the womb? It's a battle between what I selfishly want and what I selflessly know would be best for baby. I want to hold a warm baby, alive and breathing. I want to smell the baby. I want to kiss baby's soft cheeks and wrap baby's tiny fingers around my own. I want to see baby's eyes open and close. I want to whisper into baby's ears just how much Mommy loves him/her. I want to hear baby breathing and feel baby wriggling. But all of this means that I am asking to have a baby slowly die in my arms second by second. What would be best for baby? Wouldn't it be better if baby never knew the harshness of sin in this world and was able to go from womb to glory? From the ultimate earthly comfort to the eternal rest? Right now, at 27 weeks, we are going to just wait it out. I don't feel comfortable appointing the day that my baby will die. And I don't even know if I should keep hoping for a live birth. I leave it to the Lord and trust in His perfect providence.
Do we bury baby's body or cremate? Early on, we made the decision to cremate baby's body. I called the funeral home and made the difficult arrangements. We made those plans expecting that baby would die within a matter of weeks. I didn't think I would still be pregnant 2 months later, but here we are, and now, I'm rethinking that decision. Especially if we have a live birth, maybe a burial would better honor baby's life, however short-lived that life may be.
Do we have more kids? We already have 6. We tried 3 times now to have a 7th, but each one so far has gone to be with the Lord, and now this one is expected to do the same. I thought the Lord was calling us to have a large family. He made pregnancy and delivery so "easy" for me & I was made to have babies, as everyone has told me. But honestly, the thought of being pregnant again after 2 miscarriages and now this, is kind of traumatic. I would feel so incredibly anxious the entire time. And I would feel ashamed and foolish if there was something wrong, again. But I never wanted to be the one to say we were done having children. God is the Lord and giver of life, and I want Him to make that decision for us.
What is the right thing to do? I wonder if it's even possible to make a "wrong" decision on these matters. I guess I just don't like the fact that I am in a position where I have to think about and decide on these things. I would rather decide how to decorate the nursery. Or which outfit to dress baby in first. But this is my lot and my portion, and my current struggle.