Skip to main content

5/13 Mother's Day

May 13, 2018 | 28 1/2 weeks

This Mother's Day was a hard one. But I wasn't expecting it to be so tough. We had a great ultrasound and appointment on Tuesday, so I was looking forward to a pleasant week and a celebratory Mother's Day. However, we were hit with the stomach flu the day of my appointment, so I was on hyper alert all week. I also ended up having a lot of down time, because we canceled all of our plans for the week & quarantined ourselves at home.

In my down time, I finished reading I Will Carry You (a book in which a Christian woman shares her story of carrying a baby "incompatible with life"...and I think their diagnosis was even the same as ours: ARPKD). Reading about the delivery, the death, the funeral, and the subsequent grief, made me imagine again the hard road ahead for us, and that, coupled with the disappointment of the stomach flu, just put me in a somber mood.

And I also suddenly felt an urgency to make sure we were prepared for baby's arrival. I want to have a special hat and blanket for baby, but they're not ready yet. I began working on a baby blanket, but I wasn't pleased with the way it was turning out, so I decided to just buy one....one of those beautiful muslin blankets that weren't around when I first began having babies 12 years ago. I ordered it Saturday night, but trying to choose which blanket to wrap my dead baby's body in and then actually imagining doing it, put me in an extra somber state, and I went to bed sobbing Saturday night. 

We made it through the night event-free, and this morning, we woke up and got ready for church. Nobody had thrown up since Wednesday, so I was hoping it was all over, but then today after lunch, we had one more kid get sick, and it totally bummed me out.

I guess it was also hard to truly enjoy Mother's Day, knowing that here I am, supposed to be made a mom again, but fully cognizant of the fact that I'm actually carrying a child who is expected to die.

I made it a point to hang out with and intentionally enjoy my kids. It's a choice I ultimately have to make, not to linger on the painful thoughts for too long. Yes, I have this ominous, terribly sad diagnosis looming over me, but I also have six amazing kids and a loving husband. We played Catan and had a great time bonding. Aaron also saw how sad I was and wrote me this sweet poem.

My Mother's Day was spent being a mom, with all the ups and downs that motherhood brings, but I am thankful for the people I get to be mom to.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

5/31 Baby Mila is Born

. May 31, 2018 | 31 weeks Our baby Mila was born today. 3 lb 1 oz and 14 3/4 inches of pure bliss. She stayed with us just long enough to meet her brothers and sisters, and then she breathed her last and went home to our Lord. We had been looking forward to May 31 for weeks. I was impatient about it, even. It was the day that our second opinion was scheduled. I was eager to find out more information about our baby. Instead, I got to meet her face to face. The Day Before Wednesday afternoon, just after 3 pm, I noticed that I had some sort of a discharge come out of me, out of the birth canal side. It was only a little bit. When I wiped, it kind of looked like diarrhea (an olive brown color), and I thought I must have leaked something when I passed gas. Super embarrassing. But anyway, when I wiped my other end, there was no sign of diarrhea whatsoever. So I googled it and concluded that it must be the beginning of some sort of infection, and I resolved not to eat any more chocol

Daddy's Reflections

As a husband I can’t directly relate to my wife through pregnancy and motherhood. Those things are uniquely feminine, and I am of no help to guess what Delia is feeling. I can learn from what she expresses, and I am really glad that she has been open to me and that she has now written these posts. It gives me a glimpse into the mind of the strong, Christian woman that I married going through the trial of her life. I always need to be the leader in our marriage, but I’ve had to walk that delicate balance between being a dictator and being aimless. The decision to choose hospice after birth was the direction I saw Mila’s health going, but I let Delia get as many opinions and counsel as she desired. I would have supported intervention if she insisted, because I love her and she is the mommy. Whatever she wanted for that day she would get, such as how she wanted to capture the day on video, or what personal items she wanted to have nearby. I trust her judgment, and so I trust being patie

7/26 Letting Go

July 26, 2018 | Week 8 It's funny how feelings can change in just a few days. Today, I'm feeling like I took a step backwards in the grieving process. As my final days of pumping approach, I find myself holding on and afraid of letting go. Seeing Mila's milk every day, writing her name on each bag every single day throughout the day has been so sweet & so special. I'll never get to fill out a form for Mila & write her name down on it. This is it. This is all I've had. These milk bags have been my only opportunity. I love writing her name down. I love that I think about her multiple times throughout the day. I don't want to stop thinking about her. I don't want "out of sight, out of mind", but I know that's how it's going to be. And I know that that's ok & probably even necessary. I'm feeling that all-too-familiar tension between life & death all over again. I want to choose joy and rejoice in life, but when I place