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5/27 Honest Feelings

May 27, 2018 | 30 1/2 weeks

Some raw honesty, here:
I can't wait for this to be over, but I realize that means possibly ushering in baby's death, which I don't want at all. I've never been one to enjoy pregnancy. I love all the cute kids that have come as a result of my pregnancies, but the growing belly, the not fitting in clothes anymore, the aches and pains, the not being able to bend over, not being able to get down on the floor and play with the kids...it's all part of pregnancy, but it's something I've always endured and not necessarily enjoyed. This pregnancy is even harder because I'm told not to expect the joy of having a baby at the end of it. So I make it a point to intentionally enjoy every precious day we have with baby in the womb.

I'm full of conflicting emotions, though.

This whole thing is hard. It wears me out, this suspension between life and death, between joy and sorrow. I rejoice in the baby's life, but I find myself expecting death and waiting for baby to die, but I don't want baby to die, but if baby has to die, then why avoid the inevitable? Let's just get it over with. But I don't want to get it over with. Yes, I do look forward to being on the other side of this, the healing side of it, but I don't want to walk the road that takes me there.

I also notice I have developed a tendency to become quite self-centered in all this. Every person I meet, I wonder: do they know what I am going through? I miss opportunities to love on others and minister to them, because I am so caught up in thinking about my own needs. I want instead to wonder: What is this person going through right now? Yes, this is incredibly hard, but I'm not the only one with hard things in life.

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