Throughout these first few days of overwhelming grief, I've been seeing glimpses of normal. Nothing feels normal quite yet, but I get little glimmers of it, and it gives me hope.
Yesterday, I took the kids to Soak City, as promised, and it was good to be able to go, and we stayed for only a couple of hours because of my pumping schedule. I could only handle so much lightheartedness, and then I reached a point where I wanted to cry and go back home. The kids genuinely had fun, though, and I'm realizing that they're just kids and they need to be kids and do all their regular kid things right now. It seems like they've already returned to their normal, but I'm not there yet.
Today is Tuesday. Laundry day in the Davies home. So we did our laundry. Sorted it, washed it, dried it, folded it, put it away. Went through the whole routine. Then we made muffins and ate lunch, just like we did in weeks prior. In the midst of all that, for just a moment, everything felt right again, and I got a glimpse of what normal would be like. I was so occupied with the minutia of life that I didn't even have an opportunity to dwell on the heavier matters. The kids need me to be Mommy to them in the midst of our grieving.
Friends and family have been asking us how they can help us, and I honestly don't even know. We've had meals delivered to us, which has been an amazing help. And we're being prayed for, which means more to us than anything else. Other than that, I don't know what I need right now.
I want to share Mila's story with people, and I want to process my thoughts and feelings externally somehow, but I don't feel like talking, especially on the phone. I feel very fragile and could burst into tears at any moment.
Little by little, we're doing better, though. The Lord has been so so kind to us. I know many are praying for us, and God is definitely answering their prayers, because we're doing ok considering all things.
Physically I'm totally fine. At first I wished I felt worse so that I could actually feel like I just had a baby. I don't want to just get up and move on and keep going as if what just happened was no big deal. But it is a kindness from the Lord that I'm not in physical pain in addition to all of the emotional pain.
Still, this is hard. Really hard. Hardest thing ever in my life to have my baby girl die. And the pessimist in me wants to focus on the death part & how hard that was. But the Lord gave us life with Mila, too. She wiggled on me & squeezed my thumb & blinked her eyes. We made lots of beautiful memories with her while we could, and ultimately that's what we remember. So, painful as it was (and sometimes that pain hits so suddenly & so hard that it feels unbearable), overall we look back with fond memories. I'm thankful that the Lord gave us such sweetness in a time that could have been so bitter.
Every day has its ups and downs, but I'm definitely calmer than I was yesterday & the days before.