I really don't want to be planning a funeral today. I want to be holding my baby, not planning her burial. But this is our reality, and I want to make it as sweet as possible.
I bought her a dress, one for her to wear, one to display at home in her memory box. Her dress comes with a purse. I will finally take off my hospital wristband (I've been wearing it since her birth) and bury it with her in her purse. She's my daughter all the way to the grave, and I want evidence of that even in the grave.
I don't know how to plan a funeral. Awkward questions come up. How will we dress? Will we wear all black? I don't want to be in black. But we're not necessarily celebrating, either. I bought myself a dress. I call it my Mila dress. I want to be able to wear it again throughout the years and remember her and smile.
What will be the mood of the funeral? When an old person dies, people are sad, but people are rejoicing. Someone in their mid-80s has lived life, plenty of it. They've got grandchildren and maybe great grandchildren. They are ready to go home to their Savior and meet their Maker.
It is so different when someone dies young. It feels so much more wrong. Especially when a child dies. Especially when a baby dies. Especially when it's your own baby.
Mila was alive. I held her. She opened her mouth and eyes. She squeezed my thumb. She wiggled on me. And then she wasn't anymore. She was dead. And I was left holding a tiny dead body. It felt so wrong.
It still feels so wrong.
And this feels wrong, planning a funeral.
I wish things were different & I wish Mila was here with me right now, and that painful longing hits so hard sometimes, but I'm thankful that the Lord has protected us from having any sort of negative experience with our Mila...in her pregnancy, labor, delivery, and even now in her funeral planning The staff at the cemetery has been so supportive & compassionate. Continued sweetness amidst the bitterness.