Skip to main content

6/30 The First Month

June 30, 2018 | 1 Month

I walked through a fatal diagnosis & am now on the other side of it. The doctors were right. Our baby Mila did die. May 31st. It was the saddest, most painful experience of our lives. But we are not alone. The Lord is near to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18), and He surrounded us with a whole army of support, and with many other broken, bereaving mamas who came alongside me to understand me, encourage me, and give me practical wisdom for the hardest journey of my life.

Praise God, we made it through the first month.

Some friends came over for a couple of hours this week. I haven't felt very social at all. Being back at church was hard. And I knew seeing local friends again, starting up music classes again, and going back to our regular life would be hard. I didn't want to just resume all our normal activities & pick up where we left off as if nothing ever happened. I have to remind myself that just because we're returning to all of our former activities doesn't mean that we're ignoring all that happened with Mila. It's a hurdle I need to push myself to get over. In the end, it was nice to have company again.

I feel like I'm ready for true healing to take place. I can visualize what I want life to look like, but I don't necessarily know how to get there. I want to be able to enter a room with a smile on my face again. I want to make jokes and laugh again. I know the direction I want/need to go in, and I am trusting the Lord to continue carrying us through.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5/31 Baby Mila is Born

. May 31, 2018 | 31 weeks Our baby Mila was born today. 3 lb 1 oz and 14 3/4 inches of pure bliss. She stayed with us just long enough to meet her brothers and sisters, and then she breathed her last and went home to our Lord. We had been looking forward to May 31 for weeks. I was impatient about it, even. It was the day that our second opinion was scheduled. I was eager to find out more information about our baby. Instead, I got to meet her face to face. The Day Before Wednesday afternoon, just after 3 pm, I noticed that I had some sort of a discharge come out of me, out of the birth canal side. It was only a little bit. When I wiped, it kind of looked like diarrhea (an olive brown color), and I thought I must have leaked something when I passed gas. Super embarrassing. But anyway, when I wiped my other end, there was no sign of diarrhea whatsoever. So I googled it and concluded that it must be the beginning of some sort of infection, and I resolved not to eat any more chocol
1 comment
Read more

3/19 Coping With the News

March 19, 2018 | 20 1/2 weeks I woke up the morning after that ultrasound , and didn't even feel pregnant anymore. I didn't bother to take my prenatal vitamins. I barely drank any water. What was the point anymore, I thought?  The grieving process had begun, and I just wanted to get this all over with and be on the other side. On the healing & moving-on-with-life side. From the way the doctor had talked about baby's condition and from the few case studies I had found, I thought it would be a matter of days, maybe a few weeks at most, before the full sting of death would hit, and in my heart and mind, I was living as if the baby was already dead. But it all felt so wrong. My baby is not dead, and maybe my baby won't die after all. Maybe the doctors are mistaken. Maybe God will choose to heal the baby. As long as there is a heartbeat, there is life, and there is hope.  King David was told that his baby would surely die. But his baby was born and even l
Post a Comment
Read more

6/2 A Birthday and a Burial Day

June 2, 2018 | Day 2 I would love to just go back to Thursday, May 31, 2018 at 3:24 pm and stay there a little longer, but I can't. Time moves forward. Life continues. The sun rises again, and a new day is before us. I have to move forward into the future as well. I feel like I should have a big black letter M for mourning stamped on me so that everyone knows what I'm going through right now, but instead I have to figure out how to move through each day carrying the grief that I'm carrying while the rest of the world continues on as it did before. I know that one day it will be much easier, but it's all so fresh on my mind and raw in my heart right now. Today is Auri's birthday, and we've been talking about his birthday for quite some time now, planning out how we're going to celebrate, what kind of cake he wants, and what gift we would give him. My mommy heart was torn between two children pulling me in opposite directions: grieving for Mila yet celebra
Post a Comment
Read more